One of the axioms of Hatton-ology is that the Christian life is made up of seemingly contradictory ideas. I doubt anyone who sat under Pete at Baylor would be surprised that my advice would come as a pair of paradoxical precepts. I would give two pieces of advice to my pre-marriage male friends.
(btw, Chandra's hyper-sensitive EQ, not IQ, mind you, is bothered that we are not "waiting for Thomas" with this blog. I'll continue anyways, though. Neither of myQs mind.)
Lead Well: In any boy-girl relationship the boy is going to set the tone of the relationship and be responsible for the tone of the relationship. Even if the boy does nothing he is still leading the relationship; he is just leading poorly. So my first piece of advice to my male friends would be to set a godly tone, take charge of everything, and be deliberate in every aspect of the relationship.
Pursue Hard: I know, I know, my previous piece of advice indicated that the guy should be out in front of the relationship. Well, it turns out he's in the back as well. I've learned with Chandra that a girl needs to be pursued and to feel pursued. This starts with the guy asking her out on the first date and should never stop.
To adjust this advice for a girl I would just counsel her to make sure the guy does these things. Assume nothing about the relationship; make him be deliberate. Force him to pursue you; don't chase him. No matter what side of the gender divide one finds himself, the most important thing for a Christian is to trust and believe that God has more goodness and blessing in store for him in marriage than can be imagined.
Showing posts with label unsolicited advice. Show all posts
Showing posts with label unsolicited advice. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Monday, August 17, 2009
I Wish That I Knew Then
I'll take up Amy Lane's mantle and dispense advice to the unmarried from the boundless wealth of my five months of wisdom. The following will be significantly colored by the advice that I heard when I was unmarried (and not dating), so if you never received similar advice, please feel free to go play with your enormous dog or the neighbor's kids.
The one thing I always heard over and over while I was single was "find your contentment in Christ first, and then you'll be ready for marriage." Now, lest you think that I'm going off the orthodox rails, I certainly hold contentment to be a life-long spiritual goal, but the thing that always bugged me (and that I've been able to pinpoint more now that I'm married) is the implied quid pro quo of that statement. The additional implication is that desiring to be married is somehow unimportant compared to doing "church stuff" (which was usually suggested as the cleanest path to contentment).
The fact of the matter is that you're never really ready for marriage, in an all-encompassing sense. My contentedness in life and contentedness in Christ really had nothing to do with how ready I was for marrying Michelle, because nothing could've prepared me for that. However, the opposite of the "if-then" has occurred: I'm considerably more content (with my relationship with Christ and in general) than I was before marriage.
Why? Because, to borrow a phrase, it wasn't good that I was alone. Now that I'm not alone, now that I enjoy the constant presence and encouragement that comes with being Michelle's husband. Being married is capital-G Good, Good like things were in the Garden Good, Good like any source of sanctification should be. And I think it would be disingenuous to imply that the desire for that unique Goodness is something less than good sets up an almost Gnostic dynamic, separating our day-to-day existence from the ongoing process of sanctification in a dangerous way.
Finally, the parallel between marriage and Christ's relationship to the Church drive the final stake through this idea. If Christ had waited for the Church to be fully ready and content before sacrificing His life...well, we'd still be waiting.
To wrap this up in practical terms, I think the best advice I'd give to anyone, guy or girl, who's trying to get perspective on marriage from the other side of the fence is to be honest about your desire for marriage. Think about what you want from marriage, and from a spouse, and be open and honest with your friends about your desire to be married. It's been really refreshing to hang out with a particular single friend of ours from church who makes no secret of the fact that she wants to get married sooner rather than later; while it might be easy to write her off as "desperate" or some other disparaging label, I'm proud of her for not playing games about what's she's seeking. Because she's seeking a Good thing.
The one thing I always heard over and over while I was single was "find your contentment in Christ first, and then you'll be ready for marriage." Now, lest you think that I'm going off the orthodox rails, I certainly hold contentment to be a life-long spiritual goal, but the thing that always bugged me (and that I've been able to pinpoint more now that I'm married) is the implied quid pro quo of that statement. The additional implication is that desiring to be married is somehow unimportant compared to doing "church stuff" (which was usually suggested as the cleanest path to contentment).
The fact of the matter is that you're never really ready for marriage, in an all-encompassing sense. My contentedness in life and contentedness in Christ really had nothing to do with how ready I was for marrying Michelle, because nothing could've prepared me for that. However, the opposite of the "if-then" has occurred: I'm considerably more content (with my relationship with Christ and in general) than I was before marriage.
Why? Because, to borrow a phrase, it wasn't good that I was alone. Now that I'm not alone, now that I enjoy the constant presence and encouragement that comes with being Michelle's husband. Being married is capital-G Good, Good like things were in the Garden Good, Good like any source of sanctification should be. And I think it would be disingenuous to imply that the desire for that unique Goodness is something less than good sets up an almost Gnostic dynamic, separating our day-to-day existence from the ongoing process of sanctification in a dangerous way.
Finally, the parallel between marriage and Christ's relationship to the Church drive the final stake through this idea. If Christ had waited for the Church to be fully ready and content before sacrificing His life...well, we'd still be waiting.
To wrap this up in practical terms, I think the best advice I'd give to anyone, guy or girl, who's trying to get perspective on marriage from the other side of the fence is to be honest about your desire for marriage. Think about what you want from marriage, and from a spouse, and be open and honest with your friends about your desire to be married. It's been really refreshing to hang out with a particular single friend of ours from church who makes no secret of the fact that she wants to get married sooner rather than later; while it might be easy to write her off as "desperate" or some other disparaging label, I'm proud of her for not playing games about what's she's seeking. Because she's seeking a Good thing.
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